Old, unedited and raw.. I'm posting the posts I've been meaning to edit...

Today it all seems real.. Life is serious, alive, moving and solid. I'm pregnant! and today was our first visit to the Dr. I was able to see my little "bean's" heartbeat and see the little sucker all snuggled up inside me. It was kinda insane! All day Dave and I have been saying "uh.. so we're officially pregnant!.. Did you realize that" I'm not sure what I expected this to feel like, but it's different then I expected. I think I was imagining a panic attack mixed in with the excitement, however I only have JOY~ Just super duper amounts of joy. I recently told someone it was like "growing joy inside you". So I guess my first post about being "present and living" is really being put to the test now! Nothing like full on motherhood to make things really come into perspective! So... What do I expect about motherhood? Uhhhh.. Hummm... I think I am expecting a feeling of purpose and direction; a meaning for the madness and mess in life and an excitement about teaching and guiding a little person through this journey of life.

Thought on 11/15/09

Today it all seems real.. Life is serious, alive, moving and solid. I'm pregnant! and today was our first visit to the Dr. I was able to see my little "bean's" heartbeat and see the little sucker all snuggled up inside me. It was kinda insane! All day Dave and I have been saying "uh.. so we're officially pregnant!.. Did you realize that" I'm not sure what I expected this to feel like, but it's different then I expected. I think I was imagining a panic attack mixed in with the excitement, however I only have JOY~ Just super duper amounts of joy. I recently told someone it was like "growing joy inside you". So I guess my first post about being present and living is really being put to the test now! Nothing like full on motherhood to make things really come into perspective! So... What do I expect about motherhood? Uhhhh.. Hummm... I think I am expecting a feeling of purpose and direction; a meaning for the madness and mess in life and an excitement about teaching and guiding a little person through this journey of life. I also expect to be stretched to the max.. in every way possible!

It Starts Here!

Today I choose to quit living in fear, to make a conscious choice to be present and to live my life, vs watch it pass me by as I watch from the sidelines. Today I choose to try even if I am doomed to failure, to show up expecting greatness to follow and to be aware of my part in living a passionate, fulfilled life. Today I live!

A few things you should know:
I can't spell and I am deathly afraid that people will read what I write and think that because I am terrible at grammar I am stupid.
Some of my ideas are completely out of left field, and biased on emotions, but I still think they are valid.
I am insanely afraid of relationships with women because I really don't understand myself, much less other women!
I am friendly, but hard to get to know.
I think I am more afraid of success then failure, but I always say I am afraid of failure.

Emotions are high... September 2009

I've spent the past three days at home alone. David is in La Crosse, Wisconsin doing a training seminar for work. I am not one that really enjoys time alone, but I feel that it's a task I must get through. Something that is important to survive if you will, a chore! Either way, I don't really have a choice so I try and make the best of it. Every time I am alone for more then a day, I feel as though I learn more about myself, more about life and more about what it means to really live. Sometimes in those moments, I feel as though I really don't have the right to feel as though I understand life, feelings, love, hardship, pain, emotion or what it means to struggle or feel hardship in this life. Let me explain why I feel this way. It's not because I have never suffered, never been sad, felt pain or been hurt before; I have. It's just that as I think of my hardships in comparison to other people I know or know of, my hardships seem to pale in comparison.